Welcome, welcome!

Hi there! Welcome to Enjoy the Trip, where I will dive into what I am doing to make my life one worth living. Sounds a bit grandiose, doesn’t it? A life worth living—let’s unpack that and get a better sense of this humble little blog’s purpose. Like most people, my adult life does not match my childhood dreams, which were to be a great novelist traveling the globe inspired by its wonder and history. Throughout my teenage years, I met a lot of external resistance that compounded with my own internal fears of failure and rejection, resulting in a repackaging of those dreams. I started to believe that being a writer meant living in poverty and risking debt until that big breakthrough happened, if it ever did. I also struggled with wanting to write authentically from my own experiences. I used writing as a coping mechanism to process a painful childhood, like so many great writers do. I wanted to build authenticate works to which others could relate and connect, but I struggled with it. I was so afraid of what others may think and facing my family after I wrote our hard times.

And so, as time went on, I transitioned my dream. Instead of a great novelist, I would be a scholar; after all, they write, research, and probe into the human condition, right? I focused on studying language and the mind instead, as I pursue the hope of one day being a scholarly writer instead. After all, scientists and professors are smart, respected, and well paid, right? I spent years analyzing, researching, and writing about language use, identity, human expression, and the act of writing itself. I eventually abandoned the creative path completely. I did well fooling myself into thinking my true destiny was to be a literary critic, a linguist, a cognitive scientist, a composition professor, and eventually a medical editor. Through all of this sidestepping, I did build writerly skills and gather life experiences. However, those experiences were mostly from the US workforce and life as a woman professional.

Through this charade, I did learn that I am a master at forcing square objects into round holes. I kept forcing different professional identities onto myself in the hopes of finding fulfillment. I climbed the corporate ladder with glee and dogged determined, too. Believing every step up I took would lead me to self-realization, wealth, and happiness. I excelled at this for a while. My writing skills were excellent assets, and my creativity caught people’s attention. But I clung to being an editor, I was still afraid of failure if I added “writer” to my job title. I did well as a medical editor and performed above and beyond my duties. I created content, but continued to live behind the shield of being just an editor. I also started to believe that my end-goal was to be VP of Editorial Services.

But then in late 2018, my life flipped and everything went helter-skelter, but not all at once. It was a slow ride into big changes, but it unearthed both deeply rooted pain and opportunities. During this time, I looked at my life with a heavy heart and longing. I’d often scrutinize my life looking for the exact moments where I went wrong in my decision-making. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer recognized myself. I struggled with taking care of myself, I was a ball of self-hate and anxiety. I did not realize it at that time, but I was burnout from an unhealthy relationship and toxic work environment, which compounded with childhood trauma waiting to erupt. I felt mediocre, unlovable, and unfulfilled. I was envious of other women who looked happy, healthy, and successful. It would take me two years to be able to name my pain and begin to initiate healthy changes. During the pandemic, I was forced to confront my depression and anxiety. I dumped the boyfriend who wasn’t healthy for me; I booked therapy appointments. I ate more vegetables and even rearranged my apartment. I forced myself to take walks even when anxiety had me in a choke-hold. I also told myself promotions and a better job title would make me feel fulfilled. I had to alleviate the jealousy; I so wanted a life worth living, which I thought those happy, successful women I knew or saw had.

Then, in 2022, the biggest wave of change hit me. My father died unexpectedly. I was suddenly tasked with writing his obituary and eulogy, those final words that would memorialize his life in newspaper archives until the end of time. After a long workday, I finally sat down to complete this task, which to me was no small writing assignment. My body and mind were exhausted, but I had full faith in myself. I would deliver a well written obituary and draft the perfect eulogy to honor my father. I moved through draft after draft after draft confidently. Writing is a process, I knew this. But through this process, I felt something stir inside of me. I was a storyteller once again. I was narrating my father’s time on earth through hero motifs, well chosen words, and carefully constructed syntax to move the readers and listeners through his life experiencing the same admiration and respect I had for my father and all he overcame. I wrote late into the night, but I did not feel tired. Rather, I felt reconnected to an authenticate piece of myself. I knew my father’s death would change me, but at that time I had no idea how deep those changes would be. Or how the changes I would choose would even surprise and scare me at times.

Despite my burnout and the new addition of grief, I did not leave corporate America immediately after my father’s death. Rather, I opted to fake being okay, even though I wasn’t. I only resigned after a series of uncomfortable interactions and a 3-day panic attack. It took a total of 12 months from my father’s death for me to announce my departure plans out of respect for my department, followed by four more months of cripplingly anxiety, self-doubt, and envy to finally leave. At first, I returned to my habit of trying to fit square shapes into round holes. I was energized by all of the possibilities and eager for almost anything that seemed like it could give me purpose, a good salary, and a healthy work-life balance. After 3 months of healthy sleep and a calm nervous system, I realized that I had to live in my own alignment. It didn’t stop me from scrolling through LinkedIn job ads. But soon I began to listen to my body, I physically shuddered every time. I knew I needed to recover my burnout or I would go through repeat cycles. But I also felt like I owed myself at least one good leap of faith. I had already taken one when I left corporate America and its perceived job security and stable pay. Through my losses, I came to a very real and tangible understanding that time is a nonrenewable resource. We really only have so much of it. So why not add in a little bunny hop towards being a novelist, essayist, narrativist, even a blog writer!?

And so, here we are. That’s the short story of how I landed in this exact moment full of determination to live a life worth living—AND write good sentences about it. But what exactly does a life worth living look like? Well, it’s one of adventures, experiences, realizations, and changes for me. It’s also one of stories, lessons, and connections, too. I’ll use this space to share my travel stories and personal narratives that I hope inspire you to take your own leap, or maybe a bunny hop, of faith towards a fulfilling, healthy life and your own creative expression. I also hope to entertain you, as a storyteller with whom you can identify and enjoy.

xx
Jes